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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

13 Signs He'll Be Bad in Bed

When you ask him to stop doing something, he thinks it's funnier if he just keeps doing it = NOPE.


1. He stares at his phone like it's a hot girl he wants to sleep with and stares at you like you're a pile of old cheese he keeps meaning to throw out. 

I know that pretty much our whole generation does this to some degree but if he's more interested in checking out his friend Mikey's #TBT Instagram photos of spring break '08 than he is talking to you about your upcoming scuba trip, there's no way he's going to focus on giving you orgasms. 

2. You have no idea whether or not he finds you pretty, even though you're dating. 

If you're dating a guy who doesn't make you feel like the Gisele of your bedroom, it's going to be hard for you to really let loose and have a great time in bed, because all you'll be thinking about is, Why are you having sex with me? Is it because you're just trying to be nice? Or did you think I was pretty at first and now you don't? I don't want to have sex with someone who thinks I am a troll because I am NOT a troll, Brian! and no one has ever had an orgasm that way. 


3. He never asks you about yourself. 

If the guy doesn't care how your day was or how your friends are doing, he doesn't really care about you, which means he's probably not going to suddenly become intensely invested in finding more inventive ways to stimulate both your clitoris and your vag at the same time. 

4. He's directionless. 

Guys who are in their 20s and still have no idea if they want to work at a gas station so they can still have free time to play video games or "I don't know, like, run a company or something" are a mess in general. So when you end up sleeping with them and say something like, "Oh, god, that feels so good, don't stop," they immediately do it faster or take a detour to your breasts or something, and you're like, "Christ, I literally told you to do one thing." 

5. When you ask him to stop doing something, he thinks it's funnier if he just keeps doing it. 

Seriously, if you know a guy who thinks it's funny to keep doing something you asked him to stop doing, or just to do it even more, run. I am not joking. Run fast and far and block his number for real. He will almost certainly not listen to you in bed. Byyyyeee.

6. He's as clumsy as a romantic comedy movie character in the first act. 

If he can't walk down stairs while holding lattes for both of you without slipping backward on an invisible banana peel and pulling down your skirt while trying to get back up, he's probably not going to be super coordinated in bed (and there will mostly be bruising from him accidentally hitting you in the face at some point). 

7. The first time you guys kissed, he put his hand down your pants immediately. 

Guys who move this fast are like awkward ninth graders Frenching for the first time. Do you remember what that felt like? Now think how it would've felt with no clothes and penises. Are you barfing? I am barfing.

8. When you ask him what his goals for the future are, he shrugs and mumbles something about Playstation. 

Sex with this guy will probably be in between rounds of some kind of fighting game that you will wish would result in him taking charge and being passionate in literally any way, but he won't. When it comes to sex, guys like this have one move and that is to wing it. No one has ever had mind-blowing "wing it" sex. 

9. He wears sunglasses inside and thinks that is the coolest of looks. 

And not even good sunglasses (I'm looking at you, guy in the photo above). Guys who are more concerned with the way they look at all times can never really throw themselves into sex because they're too busy worrying if their face looks porn-y while they're doing it. Think of the last time you noticed a guy was trying to look sexy and tell me your vag doesn't dry up like a bag of sand. 

10. You hate the way he kisses. 

The first time you kiss someone usually needs a little work, but if it's just capital letters BAD and you keep trying to make it work but he is just. Not. Letting. You, odds are everything else is going to result in you wanting to punch a wall on your way home because you're so mad at how gross that was.

11. His primary form of exercise is walking to the fridge. 

No matter how nice he is, he's just not used to moving anything but the remote closer to his body with his foot because he's too lazy to get up. Sex is a workout, and he's not up for it.

12. He makes fun of you in front of his friends. 

If his public "playful" insults always hurt your feelings, imagine how you'll feel when you're naked and all the sudden he's making "jokes" about how your vagina smells weird and then starts comparing it to gross things while you wonder how you even got to this place in your life. Also, stop dating this guy. Everyone hates him.

13. You're honestly not even sure if you really like him. 

I dated one guy recently and every time we went out (which wasn't many times) I always came home thinking he was kind of hot and I kind of wanted to make out with him but I also kind of didn't enjoy being around him at all. The "kind of guys" are the never the guys you tell your friends about. "Well, I kind of thought he was hot and kind of thought he was OK to be around and then we kind of had sex and ultimately I just pretended I was sleeping with exes I was actually crazy about. That part was fun."

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